jesuissangfroid

 He said he was afraid of getting closer,

she said she was afraid to trust.

But their words did not matter,

for they were soon consumed with lust.

People who know me very well will know that I believe in being non-judgemental. I realized something just a while ago, I don't know how significant it is but it explains quite a bit about my behaviour and my fear of relationships.

I know that I have a slight self-esteem issue, particularly that of feeling that I'm not worthy of another person's time and concern. Yet, I am wholly confident about myself and know that I wouldn't be shaken by the words of others.

What I really am afraid of, or rather what I dislike, is having to deal with the judgement and expectations of others. In some way or another, everyone judges and holds expectations of one another. When someone I care about starts caring for me, I get stressed. Especially when they have some sort of expectation and having to try to not disappoint them is expending energy. I would love to do whatever I want, but sometimes we can't just do that because it would mean being selfish to the other party.

I detest it when people tell me, " you're awesome, don't ever change", or " I thought you were better than that", or "wow, I never expected that from you". It doesn't affect me internally, but it makes me sort of dislike the person chiefly because of the sort of mentality that they harbor.

I have a solution. Actually, it's more of like, I realized what it is I'm looking for. Until the day I meet somebody who shares my  ideas and beliefs, I'll be a lonely person.

The more I read up about psychology, the more intrigued I am, partly because how much I feel that I can relate to it. Lately I've been really confused about why I do what I do, which is to distance myself from forming emotionally-intimate relationships with others. I don't usually have the drive to research into all these though, I kinda chanced upon all these while reading about limerence.

I've picked out several texts from several pages and quoted them below. I feel that it states exactly what I feel about life in general, which is great because I've actually reasoned it out in my head before learning about it.

"Common traits amongst people who have reached self-actualization are:

• They embrace reality and facts rather than denying truth.
• They are spontaneous.
• They are interested in solving problems.
• They are accepting of themselves and others and lack prejudice." - Self-actualization, Wiki

"Numb"

- Portishead

Unable so lost
I can't find my way
Been searching, but I have never seen
A turning, a turning from deceit

Cos the child roses like
Try to reveal what I could feel

I can't understand myself anymore
But I m still feeling lonely
Feeling so unholy

Cos the child roses like
Try to reveal what I could feel
But this loneliness
It just won't leave me alone

I'm fooling somebody
A faithless path to roam
Deceiving to breath this secretly
This silence, a silence I can't bear

Cos the child roses like
Try to reveal what I could feel
And this loneliness
It just won't leave me alone
And this loneliness,
It just won't leave me alone, ohh no

A lady of war

A lady of war

I've always known it. Despite my happy and smiling exterior, i'm a cynic by nature. I don't believe in God, i don't believe there's heaven, i think selflessness is non-existent and true love is fiction. The only thing that drives and motivates a human being is greed. The question harboring in my mind now is: When is it time to be happy?

Watching House and Sex & the City made me realize that there is a time to stop being a cynic. I know, i'm trying. Everything is better when we're an optimist. Our relationships with others become stronger, opportunities will find their way to us and most importantly, we can learn to truly enjoy life.

Oh! it's 3:33AM now as i type this. I kinda like it when i look at the clock and it's 5:55 or something like that. Only thing that's keeping me up is my head bobbing to the beats of awesome, sick dubstep tunes. But first i gotta talk about yesterday which was a nais day.

We finally went to the vegetarian indian cuisine restaurant in little india, and boy, was i blown off by the look of the restaurant. It's well decorated with nais antique-looking carved wooden partitions between the seats; little beautifully carved peacocks; large artworks mounted on the wall with pop-ups. Like seriously, who doesn't love pop-ups. I was impressed just by the looks of the restaurant already. It was yellow-lighted, which gives the place a dimness about it which is bordering between comfortable-cosy and dark. It worked well for me, i don't really like bright lights anyway.

Their service was great and the food was BRILLIANT. We opted for buffet so that we could satisfy our deepest indian cuisine cravings. I took a sample of everything there, and surprisingly that was all i could eat. Weak stuff. I loved that i could eat everything they served without fretting," can i eat that....or not?".

Dinner was followed by L4D2. Yeah, suck it up bitches. L4D2 is the shiiiiyyyyyeettttt! Zombie-blasting gratification.

Perfect day for a teenager. Okay i really need to go to bed now. I'm kinda spacing out and typing nonsensical words here and there, making it a need to proofread. Uhmm..what else. I'm craving for masala thosai now. The one at jalan kayu is great. I hate walking through little india cus they look at girls like they're a piece of meat....that they wanna chop into bite-size pieces and curry. *shudders*

Some things are better kept to ourselves....secrets that we protect to protect others.

I am currently addicted to frozen yoghurt.

And i realized that nothing in the world is a better repellent than body odour.

I came across a picture of this male model while browsing online articles...

Doesn't he look so much like Megan Fox?